PREACHER: so anyway... let me tell you about a man named Job
AUDIENCE: Right
AUDIENCE: Job
PREACHER: Job was the godliest mother fucker in the entire damned bible
AUDIENCE: I like the way this story starts
PREACHER: This pissed Satan off, because Satan fucking hates it when people worship god.
PREACHER: So Satan goes to god and tricks him.
AUDIENCE: Ahh the old switcheroo!
PREACHER: He says "how about that Job? He's one godly mother fucker, ain't he?" and god is all "yeah, that bastard really loves me."
PREACHER: and Satan says, "yeah, well why wouldn't he, look at all the shit you do for him." and god says "well, I do like to take care of my peeps."
AUDIENCE: Preach it motherfucker!
PREACHER: so Satan is all sly and he says "I wonder if Job would still love you if you didn't take care of him?" and god is all "hell yeah, he would. That asshole LOVES ME."
AUDIENCE: Motha fucka. damn right.
AUDIENCE: god is a bad mother fucker!
AUDIENCE: Thaaas Right! PREACHER: well, Satan doesn't have any powers of his own, he can only try to convince people to do things, but he knows that Job loves god too much to turn him against god, so he needs some power to make that happen. so he says "how about a little friendly wager?" AUDIENCE: Oh that satan will fuck you up wid a quickness!
PREACHER: and god is like "what do you have in mind?" and satan goes "well, you undo all the good you've done and you do bad to Job and we'll see how long he loves you. If he keeps loving you, then I go away forever and don't fuck up this little world you've created any more. But if he turns against you, then I get the power to fuck anyone I want anytime I want and you can't interfere in the world."
AUDIENCE: Nooooo!
PREACHER: Now god hates satan with a passion because satan took his perfect world and fucked it up when he turned Adam and Eve against god. On top of that satan keeps fucking it up worse by turning people against god and making them murder people and turning them gay and shit. So god sees this chance to finally be rid of satan once and for all, so he agrees. PREACHER: now god is bound by his word, so he can't go easy on Job. So he fucks the SHIT out of Job, but job keeps on loving god. All of Job's friends tell him that god hates him, but he keeps on loving god. Job's wife tells him god hates him, but he keeps on loving god.
PREACHER: So god fucks Job some more. And he keeps on fucking Job.
AUDIENCE: Like my dealer! PREACHER: Finally, when Job's asshole is all torn up and his colon comes out, Job turns to god and says "what the FUCK? I fucking loved you and you FUCKED me up my righteous A!" AUDIENCE: Oh no he di'int!
AUDIENCE: Oh NO he di'int!
AUDIENCE: That's GOD motherfucker! PREACHER: so god goes "who the FUCK do you think you are? I'm fucking GOD, I can FUCK whoever the FUCK I want!" PREACHER: and THAT is why Satan now has the power to fuck whoever he wants and God can't interfere.

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